Silence

Blank pages, white "drawing boards", empty memory cards...

Silence has swept through me again. Not the welcome kind, like those savored afternoons when you've managed to get all the kids down for naps at the same time! ...Today there are no soft bird songs, no bubble bath, no warm flicker of a cozy fire... Just a solemn silence; like after a devastating earthquake or war.

War. That's about what it was. Life has been an ongoing war zone. Battles were fought in my head and heart. Some have been won; victory (in some degree) has been declared... but it has left me broken and empty. Now, I am left with the unsettling silence that stirs my being and seems to threaten everything I have worked for.

Tapes in my head previously played constantly as the "wall" of beliefs I had formed as a child struggled to stay in tact. I challenged their authenticity:

"I am not good enough" now has a large, unrepairable crack on its face.
"I am not lovable " is only half its previous towering height.
"I am a failure" remains only as a weathered-looking stumbling block...

I sit in that solemn silence; basking in the light that escapes the ruins of the wall I had once considered my friend. I am tempted, for a moment, to ponder if I were wrong to rage war upon it. Who am I to be successful? What is my significance that God would notice me?

Gratefully, I am jolted back to reality as I remind myself of the pain these lies have caused. I am not quite strong enough at the moment to embrace my "brilliance", so...I remain in silence.

This awkward absence of noise has become my much needed teacher. It allows me to create a space around my past. I hold a place for the "seed" of truth, that I'd planted, to grow in my heart. When it finally does, I will gladly welcome it with all of my being!

You see, this silence that I have earned is a treasure. It is where the gifts of humility and meekness come to complete harmony with brilliance and worth. It is the place where pride is brought down and God can heal my soul.

"It was never about me!", I declare as I realize, "I just might be a rather plain and insignificant person! So what?" I have learned for myself that the greatest beauty to be had in life shines its brightest through the most simple of forms!

So, I stand again and I raise my flag in victory as I claim this battle ground for a new purpose. This day I allow my God and master to refine and smooth away the remnants of my "wall". I welcome His silence, and the light of creativity and beauty it brings, to shine through me undistorted! I will evermore "be still"... and allow Him to be my commander.

Dear Vincent, I can only wonder what could have been if you had only found my beloved friend, ...silence.