Sick

Have you ever read the poem titled "Sick" by Shel Silverstein?

I am completely emphasising with little Peggy Ann Mckay...

It has been nearly a month since Summerfest and I still feel sick. I haven't been able to bring myself to go back to work full heartily. Some of my passion has been drained. Whether it is because another "episode" happened in my dysfunctional family or because it happened just as we were leaving for the art show and I allowed it to penetrate my soul enough to effect the outcome... I don't know.

It seems that delay after delay have been coming up. We are financially strained now, because of the loss we took at Summerfest, yet my soul knows that I need to be at the State Fair. We have done all that we could to fund this business out of our own pockets and cannot get another credit or bank loan so we are left to our last resort...begging!

So far, we get the impression that our begging hasn't been received very well... we have already pretty much sold anything we had of worth and (after 3 kids, a huge calling in my church and running a business) I am physically nauseated by the thought of taking on another responsibility. But, alas, I have even searched for more work I could do amongst all of that. Ugggh.

My soul yearns to get away. To play, to be free...and, most of all, to relinquish all acquired responsibilities!

Why must life be so difficult? Why must freedom be so hard to achieve? Though I have grown stronger for it; I continue to find myself pushing against a boulder that will not move. Why do I insist on wearing myself out so, when others have simply walked around it?

As the last couple decades have been dedicated to "cleaning house", I have rummaged through all the files in my head and "sorted the laundry", so to speak. I have managed to separate mom's "dirty laundry" from dad's, and recognize it as not mine. I am now left to stand back in amazement at the size of my own heap of laundry! I am in horror as I wash and rewash and the "stains" never really come out. What is it that I am still holding on to and why?

My mind tells me not to give up and my heart wants to quit. I continue because I know that it is for the best. I have been torn and worn down, beaten and battered; I know that there are important people in my life that will never change... and I can't change them. However, I can change me and I will rise above! I will because I continue to get up; because I continue to trust my Savior and because I continue to trust myself. Despite what my poketbook might show, I know I am worth it!

"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult,
but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed."
-Vincent Van Gogh

It is always an uneasy task to undertake when you are fighting for freedom. But if the soul can be liberated, there is nothing of greater worth.

I will be free from my past
I will be free from the projections others
I will be free from self projections
I will be free from my own "games"
I will be free to be me
and... I will be financially free!

(check out my work at http://www.meloniepacker.com)