Down to the Nitty-Gritty

Summer is here and is being thoroughly enjoyed by my little family and me. I find it difficult to be indoors when so much is going on outside. However, I have managed to edit and finish my photo book! (Actually, it was quite exciting in spite of the sun-shiny weather that was beckoning me...) Also, I've tackled mounds of tedious research (not so fun).

We self-published one book through an Amazon company online for a small fee (about $14) so that we could share the copy with our friends and family then discuss it. I was thrilled to receive the published book with my name boldly written on the front cover! We passed it around and everyone liked it. Then... you guessed it, I got those dreaded butterflies again. The good news is that the book could be hid in a drawer to give me some space whenever I felt nauseated. (I am so grateful I'm not doing the fair thing anymore!)

A few weeks ago, I decided to print out a manuscript and send it in to a publisher. (The manuscript cost $95... so you see why we printed the book!) Rude awakening: most publishers wont even look at your manuscript without an agent! What's an agent? Oh, he's the profit-sucking middleman that jumps in between you and your potential publisher and banks off of your life's work. It seems you wont win out there without him... Brilliant really! I ended up finding one publisher that suggests an agent but promises to look at it without one!

David is reading this book for us about true self-publishing; as in starting your own publishing company then hiring out for the printing. Interesting idea... the rough part would then be all of the extra work you'd have to put into marketing. We really don't have any capitol left to get the ball rolling. So, meanwhile, we wait. Maybe we'll get lucky; maybe not... Anyhow, I got to see my name in print!

(check out my work at http://www.meloniepacker.com)

(check out my work at http://www.meloniepacker.com)

Blowing Smoke?

Yes, Summerfest is now over with a grand total of 3 art prints sold. (One of which was to a supportive friend.)

Lets just say I know how Van Gogh must have felt when he said this:

"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way."

-Vincent van Gogh

Years, months, days,... hours worth of planning and creating new art have passed and are gone. Was it a success? Was it all to no avail? No one yet knows.

How do you measure the worth of soul? Is it by the money she makes or the heads she turns? When value is over-looked, is value then lost?

In Bangkok, there is a small temple that encloses a large Buddha statue made of gold. Before 1957, the statue was only known to be made of clay and remained that way for several hundred years. It was only until the clay cracked under immense stress that it's true value was revealed.

For many years, I have thought myself the value-less clay statue. Chiseling away the hardened mask continues to be a difficult task. I struggle to hold on to the hope that I might be made of gold on the inside as I put myself on display.

"Why does it matter", some might ask, "that your art didn't sell?"

Answer: It doesn't. It only matters what I think of myself and whether I am making a difference in this world.

A lighthouse can never see the many weary travelers it has brought home until the light of the dawn hits the harbor at the end of the storm. My goal was to be a light in the storm for the passers-by... That, through my passion for color and child-like play, I could bring a smile to the faces of those who would stop. That through my courage to shine, others might too.

In that, I believe I have succeeded. I have found my direction and have rededicated my efforts... I raise my head, that was hung in defeat, and smile. I will try even harder next time. For, to me, it is not just art; it is following my God-given destiny to brighten up this world and help others find joy in living in the moment.

Though my dreams have not yet taken flight the fire in my heart will continue to burn... For all you weary passers-by, come, stay awhile and partake of it's warmth!

(check out my work at http://www.meloniepacker.com)

There was a princess once...

There was a little princess, once, who lived not very long ago. She was a good princess who was talented and very beautiful. Her father had entrusted her with a brilliant flame she carried with her everywhere she went. All the kingdom admired and adored her and her flame...

In the middle of the night, her precious flame was stolen and smothered and the princess was thrown into the kingdom's dungeon. The poor, little princess was left alone and scared in the dark. Afraid that someone would recognize her without her lost flame, she tore her dress into rags, ratted her hair and smeared her face with mud. The other prisoners began to taunt and hiss at her and she began to believe the things they said were true...

One day, the King came looking for his daughter amongst the foul-mouthed prisoners. When the little princess heard of his arrival, she hid herself because she was embarrassed of what she had (or had not) become. From that day forward, she vowed to herself that she would never give up until she had found a way to reignite the flame and become the queen she was destined to be!

Have you ever noticed how brainwashed we are to stay in our poverty?

It seems we are literally programed at a young age to stay confined in tight little dungeons called "the money game". Meanwhile, a small percentage of us continue to monopolize all the success and prosperity. We limit ourselves. We are essentially like eagles who have clipped their own wings and therefore have sabotaged their great potential.

Think about it... You've probably heard most of these sayings:

• "Money doesn't grow on trees"


• "A bad penny"


• "Filthy rich"


• "Money is the root of all evil"


• "Break the bank"


• "Another day, another dollar"


• "The rich get richer and the poor get poorer"


• "The idle rich"

...Honestly the list could go on and on!

I was exhausted by a conversation that took place in my own home. Someone very dear to me proudly announced his declaration to stay at a $37,000 yearly income. I understood his concern; which was that the more successful he got in a business or company, the more demands on his time. Unfortunately, his logic was skewed. He had painted a picture in his mind of what it meant to be wealthy. Stressed, grumpy, overworked, selfish...

I fear this is a similar perspective on which most people found their beliefs. (Otherwise, more of us would be rich!) They appear to humble themselves in their poverty; yet, in their pride they are shortchanging not only themselves but God and others by withholding their potential to do much more good in the world! I am reminded of a wonderful quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (Quoted by Nelson Mandela, Marianne Williamson -A Return to Love)

It saddens me that so many of us have heard this quote and understood it yet we feed on the negativity we create for ourselves and are,therefore, unwilling to sacrifice what mistakenly makes us feel comfortable!

What my friend didn't understand is that money doesn't have to equal time, and values do not have to be sacrificed in order to become wealthy. These are old beliefs that reek of self deprivation and mediocrity. Some of the best people I know had to establish themselves beyond "financially secure" before they could become the people they became. Many great things were done by poor people; and many more were done by those that could afford to serve.

I made a covenant with an awkward little girl, once, that I would no longer repress her greatness and her light. There was a lot to be overcome...and a lot, still, that has to be uncovered. Searching for a stolen self-worth on a journey of healing is no easy task. However, I have committed to this journey, not only for the benefit of the little girl, but for the benefit of the world! There was a princess once...who is on her way to becoming a queen!

(check out my work at http://www.meloniepacker.com/)

Thank You Oprah!

Spring 2008

The kids are finally down for their afternoon slumber. I can't just "take a break" (I'm a mom) so I grab a basket of laundry to be folded and practically skip to the living room for my one daily indulgence. ...OPRAH!

Young inventors take the stage. They were people who had 1 great idea that set them up for life! Simple ideas like: Spanx, YouTube and Jibbitz shoe charms... I started to think about JK Rowling and her one great story line that made her an incredible income as an author!

One idea...that's all I needed. One great idea and my husband (who was working six days a week) could stay home with our family! We could pay our bills and go on vacations ...or complete my all-time, biggest dream of becoming a philanthropist!

My hopes ballooned and I brought them all to God. I told him exactly what I wanted to accomplish (while sticking to my goal of being stay-at-home mom) and asked for His help. Surely God, the greatest inventor, could spare 1 idea that would change our lives and get us out of this "rat race"...


Summer 2009

I knew in every fiber of my being that if God was going to bless me, it would be through my art. I knew this was what I was supposed to be doing. However, while sitting in a comatose-like trance at a rained out art festival, I found it very hard to stay optimistic. I knew I needed something more to help my work stand out as something truly unique. I wanted to be able to catch the attention of the people ...despite the downpour!

I had plenty of time to ponder about everything that needed to change or improve if I wanted this business to be a success. I needed more creativity in design, function and efficiency. I felt we must have done just about everything wrong this first time around... somehow, we had to get our costs down!

(I believe, though I didn't see it then, that God had set up a whole serendipity for me. For in the midst of my trial, I came across a snapshot of a painting that was cut into pieces. I'm not exactly sure why it happened then when I had seen so many other similar displays... but that snapshot sparked an idea! )



Today

Only 5 more weeks until the big day. I am already somewhat nervous; but I know the real "fireworks" wont begin until about a week before the show. We have been gathering supplies and information for our new product and, so far, we have been getting a great response from family and friends!

We were lucky enough to be able to use some of the tax return this year to invest in the business. A miracle. (Thank goodness for deductions!) I completed 3 of these new displays and hung them up in our home. My husband finally got on board the express train with me when he "caught the vision". (He's a visual learner...)

In some ways, however, the money that we invest makes me feel sick to the stomach as an unwelcome thought tries to creep it's way into my head. I don't know what it is saying because, of course I'm not listening, but I'm guessing it would be somewhere along the lines of, "You are going to fail!"

I close my eyes, hold my breath and say a little prayer. Then, I pick myself up again and move forward. I am way out of my comfort zone... but then, what successful person wasn't?


(come visit me at http://www.meloniepacker.com/)

Silence

Blank pages, white "drawing boards", empty memory cards...

Silence has swept through me again. Not the welcome kind, like those savored afternoons when you've managed to get all the kids down for naps at the same time! ...Today there are no soft bird songs, no bubble bath, no warm flicker of a cozy fire... Just a solemn silence; like after a devastating earthquake or war.

War. That's about what it was. Life has been an ongoing war zone. Battles were fought in my head and heart. Some have been won; victory (in some degree) has been declared... but it has left me broken and empty. Now, I am left with the unsettling silence that stirs my being and seems to threaten everything I have worked for.

Tapes in my head previously played constantly as the "wall" of beliefs I had formed as a child struggled to stay in tact. I challenged their authenticity:

"I am not good enough" now has a large, unrepairable crack on its face.
"I am not lovable " is only half its previous towering height.
"I am a failure" remains only as a weathered-looking stumbling block...

I sit in that solemn silence; basking in the light that escapes the ruins of the wall I had once considered my friend. I am tempted, for a moment, to ponder if I were wrong to rage war upon it. Who am I to be successful? What is my significance that God would notice me?

Gratefully, I am jolted back to reality as I remind myself of the pain these lies have caused. I am not quite strong enough at the moment to embrace my "brilliance", so...I remain in silence.

This awkward absence of noise has become my much needed teacher. It allows me to create a space around my past. I hold a place for the "seed" of truth, that I'd planted, to grow in my heart. When it finally does, I will gladly welcome it with all of my being!

You see, this silence that I have earned is a treasure. It is where the gifts of humility and meekness come to complete harmony with brilliance and worth. It is the place where pride is brought down and God can heal my soul.

"It was never about me!", I declare as I realize, "I just might be a rather plain and insignificant person! So what?" I have learned for myself that the greatest beauty to be had in life shines its brightest through the most simple of forms!

So, I stand again and I raise my flag in victory as I claim this battle ground for a new purpose. This day I allow my God and master to refine and smooth away the remnants of my "wall". I welcome His silence, and the light of creativity and beauty it brings, to shine through me undistorted! I will evermore "be still"... and allow Him to be my commander.

Dear Vincent, I can only wonder what could have been if you had only found my beloved friend, ...silence.